Those pills possessed me like a demon. Not at first but slowly and deliberately. An evil soul crushing monster that made me its pawn and killed the faith i was searching for. It twisted and changed me. Enhancing all my worst qualities and traits. The very things that i was trying to change came on with a vengeance. That demon made me grumpy, lazy, solitary, and unloving. I cared for nothing but myself for along time. I felt trapped while my alter ego took over and brought out my worst self. I forgot about the promises and plans i had made. I ignored and pushed everybody away friends, family and the person i loved the most. I was blind and deaf to the friendship, caring, and love they were giving me. I couldnt react and just didnt care anymore. I tried to quit many times. It used anxiety, sickness, and depression to bring me back to its evil arms and broke me down mentally. Every time i came back it dug in deeper and deeper.
Next stop self revelation.
1 comment:
Good to see that you are doing so much better after 2 weeks. (I am the person who posted yesterday, who quit c/t this past summer.) Two weeks into my own recovery, the physical symptoms were beginning to abate, but I was still prone to terrible mood swings, and still didn't have my energy back fully. You are going to be so happy that you jumped off the crazy train! I lost so much, too, including but not limited to my house, (can't pay the mortgage when all the $ is going to buy ES's at $5 a pill); my self-respect, (thinking of the lowlife people I associated with, the lengths to which I would go to get my fix, etc); the respect of my older kids, (working on repairing that); the time I could have been spending with my youngest, (I feel that I missed out on a large part of his childhood, as my addiction took over my life when he was six or seven); my good name within my family. However, I am a firm believer that there is rarely anything so broken that it can't be fixed once we make a sincere effort at repair. It is said that one can only get clean for oneself, and I believe that this is largely true, at the end of the day. However, it took the love of a good man to make me step back and see, finally, just what I stood to lose. He has been compassionate and supportive, don't know how I would have made it through to the other side, smiling, without him.
The repair won't be accomplished all at once. Right now, you just need to be good to yourself, get through the initial first few weeks to be sure that the physical part is over, and then you can decide how you choose to live your recovery. Have you thought about NA/AA? I am intrigued by it and may attend some meetings to check it out, (have not done so yet because of transportation issues), but it seems that they might be able to show a new way to LIVE, not just exist, clean and sober.
You are doing so great, friend. I see so much of myself in what you write, and it makes me so grateful that I am at 122 days clean. Thanks for the reminder of where I was and how far I have come. We addicts help each other, and you are definitely helping me, a complete stranger, in my own journey. Hang in there, and peace and God Bless. Meg
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