Day 29

Just more of the same. Everything has evened out. One day away from the goal. Is it coincidence that my 30 day goal falls on New Years? I didnt plan it that way. Need to make a list of resolutions and goals for the new year. Maybe i should start taking dance lessons?

Day 28

Bored stiff. Not much doin today and no Monday night football to look forward to. Played some Warcraft with my mom today and shes awful but it was fun. Slept pretty good last night finally. Im not sleeping for long periods of time. Just 5 or 6 hours of solid sleep. But atleast i fall asleep right away and sleep thru the night. Overall i feel fine. I need to start looking for a job or something to do. I have way to much free time and nothing to do. Before i had nothing to do but the pills ate up all my time and made it feel like i was doing something even if i wasnt really doing anything but veggin out in the apartment. Kinda sucks that i have to cancel my counseling session coming up but at $90 an hour and no insurance its just to expensive. I was really looking forward to it. I would like to see her as much as possible over the next few weeks but the cost is to high.

Day 27

Sugar Rush!

Huge sugar craving hit me about 10:30 PM. Shot down to the Cheesecake Factory just before they closed and picked up some snackie poo's. Slice of chocolate mouse cheesecake and a slice of fudge cake. Tasty.
Status reports are gonna start falling off. Not to much to report these days. All systems are pretty much a go. Also going to drop the day counting titles once i hit day 30. 30 days was the goal and its right around the corner. The only goal i did break was the no drinking for 30 days. Kinda disappointed in myself on that one but its not a big deal. Drinking really isnt much of an issue. Not to much excitement today. Made it to church and watched football all day.

Day 26

Feel fine. Everything has passed. Working out has made a big difference in the my turn around. Its given me extra energy and has helped with the sleep problems. Nothing interesting to report today. Hung out with the fellas and watched UFC 92 which turned out to be one of the best UFC's in awhile. Phil was in rare form. If i could describe Phil i would but hes beyond description.
Slept pretty good last night. Only problem it was alcohol induced sleep. My little anger blow up came from the fact i was a wee bit inebriated yesterday. Now i was gonna wait 30 days before having a few drinks but the Glenlivet 12 i got for Christmas was calling to me. Since i havent had a drink in awhile i actually got tipsy and worked myself up. I have a pretty good tolerance so that usually doesnt happen but not drinking for about 30 days lowered it. Even the first drink hit me pretty good. I used to have a problem with hard alcohol in that it always lowered my inhibitions, made me alittle kooky, and loud. Beer on the other hand has never done that its always just been hard liquor. So after 3 or 4 Glenlivets i had a good buzz going over reacted and became the angry drunk, not really drunk just a healthy buzz. I remember one time at my 10 year high school reunion i had a few to many. I had made friends with the lady bartender and she was giving me extra shots in my vodka crans and oh boy things got crazy. I ended up hitting on almost every girl there. I started dancing which is unheard of. My buddy suggested we leave because i started mouthing off at the chicks i hit on because they all turned me down and i was getting pretty sloppy. I then proceed to say some not so nice things. Regarding how none of them have changed since high school and so on. My buddy then dragged me out. Good times.

12 Steps

The NA 12 step process.
Figure its about time to evaluate myself via the 12 step process and see were i stand.

Check 1)We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Check 2)We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Check 3)We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Check 4)We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Check 5)We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Check 6)We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Check 7)We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Check 8)We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Check 9)We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Check 10)We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Check 11)We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Check12)Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Overall i think i have meet each of the steps. Have i verified that with anybody, no. I feel this blog is verification. In fact i didnt read about the 12 steps until the other day and decided to compare them to my blog. To my surprise i managed to manifest each step without prior knowledge of them. Some steps may be missing in the blog. Steps 8 and 9 i did carry out but did not post any info here. Steps 5 and 9 were difficult but necessary. Step 12 was meet as i posted this blog to a number of addiction forums in hopes it may help others and give them a first hand account. I am continuing to practice step 11 as often as possible.

Day 25

For some reason i keep thinking today is Saturday. Im just stuck on the fact today should be Saturday. I dont know why. I feel pretty good today and have for the last few days. I would say all symptoms are gone. Now i just need to stay clean and off the pills and keep my back healthy. Went and had a massage done today by this lady who lives here in Queen Anne. She does a great job and really digs in. She knows alot about the back and how to rehab it. She gave me a few exercises to try and best of all shes not to expensive so i may be able to afford seeing her from time to time. About a year ago i did a number of sessions with her and they were very effective.
Been playing some Warcraft lately. My mom, sister, and sisters boyfriend have started playing so it will be fun to play with them. They dont play very often and only play for short periods of time so it will be nice to just play casual with them and go at there slow pace.


Mr.Angry
Kinda snapped today in the anger department. Dont know what happened i just got really pissed. I had some angry pent up feelings and they just came out.

Hate my Comp!

About 10 last night my computer had a complete freak out. Turns out the fan on the video card was shorting out and causing the whole system to shutdown. It took 6 hours to figure that one out. I guess its a good thing i cant sleep so i had plenty of time to fix it. I really need a new system.
On a side note. I got some nasty cuts on the ends of my fingers finishing the mosaic when i was grouting it. There is one in particular on my middle finger of my right hand that is just killing me. The tip of my finger feels like its on fire and it just constantly aches.

Day 24

The Christmas haul

Aw Christmas. Got up this morning kinda late. Actually slept ok last night and didnt want to get out of bed. Had to shoot out of the apartment real fast to make it to church for mass. Figured i would go seeing as yesterdays midnight mass wasnt even at midnight or carry over into Christmas. Made it out to the parents house and spent the rest of the day there. Had a good dinner and got to the presents. I got a 120GB Ipod classic, flannel pj's (which i needed just tore the butt out of my last pair), some kickass Super Friends boxer shorts, a bottle of Glenlivet 12 single malt, Bed Bath and Beyond/Starbucks gift cards, Airhogs helicopter, and foam plane shooter from Santa. A good haul. I remember when i was a kid how geeked up i would get for Christmas and wouldnt sleep a wink the night before. My parents always love to give loads of gifts to us kids when we were young. They always went out of the way to make Christmas loads of fun. My sisters kid got a ton of new toys. She did a pretty good job of ripping them open. It snowed off and on most of the day which was nice for Christmas. My parents driveway is long, at a steep angle, and was a mess of snow and ice. My brother almost couldnt get up it when he left. We had to push him out. Christmas was good to bad i couldnt share it with someone else. It didnt feel the same.
Feeling pretty good as far as withdrawal symptoms go. Not much to complain about. Its just more of the same from the past few days. Started feeling kinda down later in the day but i dont attribute that to withdrawal. I figure by New Years i will be a new man. Need to find something to do New Years eve. So far i dont know of anything going on.



Merry Christmas everybody.

Days 22 & 23

Things have been going pretty dern good. Body feels great and the head is pretty clear. Sometimes i blank in and out and lose concentration. The only real problem that remains is the sleep issue. I just dont sleep well at all. It takes forever to fall asleep at night. Im talking like 2 hours or so to nod off and then i usually only sleep about 5 hours or so. Actually got hacked off and started yelling at myself last night. I was tired, i mean dog tired. Climbed in the sack and nothing. Just looking at the ceiling for the next hour, so aggravating.
I would say im at 80% capacity. A few days of good sleep and all systems will be go for launch.
Been slacking on the posting alittle. Had to finish a Christmas project that was taking alot longer than anticipated. I can be a perfectionist and that was causing things to take to long. Its a mosaic made of Orsoni smalti glass. I under estimated how hard it would be to cut the pieces for a small mosaic. This one is 12X16. If it was 24X32 or bigger it would have been alot easier. Its my first one and didnt turn out to bad. 2 pics of it. The first one is before i grouted it and the 2nd is with grout. Cant decide which version i like better. The right eye doesnt look the same anymore. It seemed off so i tore it apart which was a pain and remade it.


Went to midnight mass today. Which was at 10:00. Go figure. The parking lot at the church was a disaster of slush and ice. Tomorrow is Christmas!

Absolution, Revolution, and Revelation

Day 21
So its been 3 long weeks and i feel better now than i ever have. Reflecting back i find it impossible to believe what happened, what i did, and how it changed me. I hit bottom as low as i could get. My will to find a new job gone, desire to improve myself gone, lost my health both physical and mental, accomplished nothing in over 2 years, alienated friends and family, wasted opportunity, wasted money, lost faith, and maybe lost the woman i love. It took all that to snap me out of it and realize i lost control. Realize i was destroying my life and affecting the lives of those closest to me. It all seems so ridiculous now that i would have done this to myself.
The good news is out of all this came positive and affirming changes. As i was suffering thru my withdrawal i came to realize a great many things. Some of those things i had taken for granted for along time. Others i knew and just needed a reminder of how lucky i am. Sometimes ya gotta sink to the bottom before you can rise to the top and see the sunshine and gain some clarity on life.

Revelations:
The drug demon is dead. He has been slain with some help from above.

Friends and family are the greatest things you have. Dont waste them.

Tired of being a home body. Get out and experience what life has to offer its not gonna kill ya. No arguing just do it.

Dont be afraid to meet new people and make new friends and show them who you are.

Its not enough to think that you love somebody. You have to say it and show it.
If you dont they will never know.

Give youself and your time to those you love. Share and talk to them. You can never express enough how much they mean to you.

If you let God into your heart your heart will be healed. You will learn what love is. Then you can truly love and be loved and mend broken relationships.

There are more important things in this world than yourself. Give yourself and time to others.

Take nothing for granted everything is a gift.

You are not your true fathers son. You dont share his fate.

Change can happen but you have to want it and work for it.

This has made you a stronger better person.

Its never to late.

God is out there and he forgives you.

Day 20

What i wouldnt do for a decent nights sleep. I dont know why but it still just isnt happening for me. Feel good today. In fact the past few days have show significant improvements. Still got a few bats in the belfry just need some good sleep to get them cleared out.


It dumped snow pretty good here last night and is still snowing right now. Not seeing alot of traffic out there and the streets look pretty lousy. Decided i was gonna make a go of it and head off to St. James. The only problem being its located up a few steep hills. The roads looked alot worse that they really were. Managed to blaze up all the hills without any problems even a few that said they were closed. There was almost nobody at St.James i have never seen it so empty. Made it home pretty easily even thou the downtown streets were looking pretty gnarly. Time to chill out and watch the game.

Day 19

Feeling pretty good. Main problem as per the usual is sleep. It still isnt the best. It takes forever to fall asleep and then i only sleep about 5 hours a night. Body feels just fine. Which is alittle odd. In the past i had goosebumps for almost a month but this time the just arent there. Head feels pretty good. Motivation and energy levels seem to be returning slowly. Concentration can be hard to come by at times and a zone out on the tv really easy. No anxiety at all to speak of and its been a relief to not have to deal with it. The anxiety i used to experience was really brutal and caused most of my issues. So overall dont feel all that bad.
Headed out today to get some stuff done before the snow hit in force. It hasnt even started yet and people are driving all crazy. People on the freeway which is bare and dry are driving 30 mph. Managed to avoid the malls which are looking crazy. Made it to church for absolution when the snow really started coming down. There was almost nobody there. In fact over the past two and half weeks there hasnt been that many people down for absolution. Which i find interesting its almost Christmas and the part time Catholics come out of the woodwork for church. How could it be that they have all been so good this whole year? By the time i got out of there the snow was really coming down. Hit a few more stops and headed home. The freeways were pretty ugly. My truck handles this stuff pretty easily. Christmas got canceled at my dad's side of the family because of the weather. Most of his family are all headin down to Mexico for the next week or so the lucky buggers.

Day 18

Not much to report today. Not feeling to bad overall. Sleep still wasnt the best and that feels like the only thing holding me back now. Some good sleep would really clear up the noggin. Took awhile to get up and at em with motivation and energy still low. Hit the gym today and the exercise seems to be doing some good. Strange thing was i weighed myself and according to the scale ive lost 5 pounds in the last 3days! That cant be right. My appetite is still low and i havent been eating enuff but c'mon 5 pounds? Anyways im hanging in there. Thanks to everybody reading and the positive comments.

He shoots he SCORES!

My brother called me today with big news. Turns out that his girlfriend is pregnant. They have been dating for 2 maybe 3 years now and she is about 6-8 weeks along. To my surprise he actually sounds excited about the whole thing. His response is "why the hell not its about time." He says the only thing he can keep thinking about is changing dirty diapers everyday and refers to the baby to be as "the little mangler." He is gonna drop the baby bomb on the rest of the family at my dads side Christmas this Sunday. It will be interesting to see the reactions. He is gonna make an interesting dad. My family really likes her and the two of them make a good pair. He isnt sure if they are gonna get married right away they may wait. I hope everything works out for them. He is a lucky man.

I was a lucky man. I took so much for granted ... Why?...

Day 17

Snap shot from my balcony.

Storm Watch! finally came to pass and it dropped snow all over the area. Its didnt snow all that much here maybe 2 inches or so. But when it snows around here people go bonkers. Went for a drive in it and found a nice abandoned parking lot to slide around in for fun. Its pretty cold here so most of the roads are sheets of ice. It helps i got 4 wheel drive. I canceled my plans for today and just decided to stay home. Way to many people who dont have a clue how to drive in the snow and the traffic just sucked.
Not feeling to bad today. I am feeling marked improvements everyday that passes. Sleep is still pretty erratic thou. Only managed 5 hours last night and a brief cat nap on the couch today. Im just not getting any quality sleep and its getting irritating. Body feels fine all symptoms are now gone. The fuzziness i was feeling in my head has passed. Energy levels are still really low thou and motivation isnt all that great. Im finding it hard to focus on any one task for long periods of time and my head feels kinda blank like there is nothing going on up there.Im hoping that a week or so of exercise will knock that out. Still no anxiety which is coo. I still think i got another week to go before things really start to clear out and i snap back. Having places to go and things to do this next week are really gonna help. I wish i had more that i could do. Been craving more human interaction and want to get the heck out of my apartment more. Its funny that when i was using i was content to sit around and do absolutely nothing all day. I wouldnt even think about going out and would avoid it and make excuses to not get out. Now that im clean im bored out of my skull and im dying to get out of here. Even just going out to the store now sounds interesting. I am amazed at how different i feel. Almost like a new person. I had so much free time that i wasted doing nothing. Had so many things planned while i took some time off work. Feel like a jerk there were things i promised to help with and ignored.
My workout yesterday left my back slightly sore which really ticks me off. This is how it always goes. Back feels good and i start moving like i have no problems and BAM! It gets sore again. Its not to bad but im going to take it slow on the workout front and try not to push it. Try and build up slowly instead of slamming in on. I really wanted to go and workout again today but decided against it and give my back a day to recover.

True Origins

In the midst of my withdrawal and my recovery i have been thinking and reflecting alot about myself. One question has been who was my true father, whats he like, whats he look like, am i like him? I have never known who my true father was. The father that i know is in reality only my adopted father. He was kind enough to treat myself and my brother as his own two sons. When in fact we both have different fathers. For the longest time, up until 8 years or so ago, i always kinda knew but never had solid evidence. On a fishing trip with my uncle he inadvertently tipped me off to the truth. Im under the impression he thought i knew the full truth when in fact i did not. When he brought it up i was in a state of shock and when he realized i didnt know he clammed up right away and didnt give away much information. Fast forward about 4 or 5 years at the family Christmas party myself, my girlfriend, and my brother were looking at really old photos. There was one guy who really stood out and looked alot like my brother. My grandpa came into the room and spilled all the beans. Nothing like a drunken grandpa to let out the family skeletons. He told me the basic origin story of my brother and myself. It was a huge shock that my brother had a different father. He fits right in with my adopted fathers family in fact extremely well to the point that i had no clue and neither did he. Needless to say it knocked him for a loop. Seeing how i pretty much already knew grandpa gave me the rest of the info. He even announced it to almost the entire family after he told us. My mother called me a few days later and told me the truth. I pretty much sat on it and didnt do anything for the next 3 years.

Ya see this guy doesnt know me at all. He was never involved with me at all, ever. He pretty much got the hell out of dodge. There is zero family evidence that this guy existed. Unlike my brothers father who was involved with my mother and family for a few years. There are pictures of him and he was in some old home movies. Nothing like that exists about my father, nothing. It was a full on family cover up. I was a mistake, a brief moment of passion, a youthful indiscretion. The only reason i probably exist is that my mothers parents are devout catholics. I owe my very existence to a belief in God. When i was born my mother was only 17 and 1/2 and this guy was 21. Not many 17 year old girls want to have a child, let alone a child who wont have the support of a father. I doubt he was even there during my birth. I get the feeling he didnt want anything to do with me. So i was raised by my mother and her parents until she meet my brothers father but that didnt last long. That guy turned out to be a major loser and i have very faint memories of him but i recall him to be the father that i know now. Eventually my mother meet my current father and he took to raising us.

So for the longest time i havent cared at all. Curious but not that curious. But after seeing those old videos at the recent Christmas party something clicked on. The past few weeks ive been doing alot of soul searching, reflecting, and thinking. I had to know who this guy was. So i began to research and after some field work i found out who this guy is. I never actually talked to him. I dont think i could anyways. He pretty much has no clue that i exist, how i grew up, or who i am. The only info i would want from him would be health history anyways. I just wanted to see him and get a clue what hes about. After some investigating i pretty much found out. I didnt really like what i saw.

What i found was a tired looking lonely old man. Who lives in a crappy run down house, who drives a rusty old truck, and has a dead end job. He does the same routine day in and day out and appears to have no friends. Getting up at the same time everyday, comes home alone at night, and spends his whole day alone inside his home. He was married at one time but appears to be divorced or separated for sometime and never remarried. He has 1 son, which means i have a half brother i will never know. Now i know why i didnt want to know. Not that i was expecting something spectacular. Instead i saw a bit of myself in him and it made me sad and angry. Like father like son.

Day 16

Passed out cold last night right about midnight. I slept till almost noon the next day. I would wake up at times but just pass right out again. To bad it was somewhat drug induced. I took a muscle relaxer actually hoping it would knock me out. So it wasnt natural sleep like i would have liked. Had some very intense dreams. Before i finally got up i was feeling very emotional. I had this intense feeling of loss that was brought on by some crazy dreams.
When i got up it was freezing in my apartment and that didnt help my motivation to get up and work out. Had to force myself to the gym and it took forever to get warmed up and going. Took awhile but i started getting into it. Man am i out of shape. Been sitting on my butt way to long. I have also lost alot of weight. I am about 5 pounds under my average weight and losing 5 pounds is alot for me. Im looking pretty scrawny. I plan on turning that around asap. I wish i could start playing volleyball again but i doubt my elbow let alone my back is gonna allow it. Along time ago i destroyed my elbow in a tournament. I hyper extended it and kept on playing by the end of the tourney i couldnt move my fingers and hardly lift my arm. Its been bad ever since. I guess you could call it one of my flaws. I have always had that "gotta do whats best for the team" attitude. So if i was hurt or in pain i would just press right thru it and keep going. Its part of the reason my backs so messed up.
Overall im feeling pretty good today. I had a brief moment of anxiety down at the gym and im not sure why. I have a few breathing exercises i have been using and it helped take me out of it. Body feels good less the cold outside i would be feeling great. Head fuzz is gone and emotions are starting to stabilize. Motivation and energy are still off and as i type this im feeling really groggy and tired. I am finding it hard to concentrate at times and i feel alittle blu.
Decided despite the snow warnings and what not to head out and get some stuff done. Friggin news stations love to blow weather way out of proportion. STORM WATCH! Is plastered all over the place and it hasnt snowed a flake here. Went to church for another round of cleaning out the soul. Been taking advantage of the special advent absolution they have and it has helped. When im down there it gives me a chance to reflect and think without any disruption. An older lady was having a hard time walking up the side steps to the church. In the past i would have just walked right by her. Instead today when i saw her i asked her if she needed a hand and let her lean on me as she walked up the steps.
Any who back to the STORM WATCH!!!

Day 15

Trying to get to sleep is really kicking my butt. Forced myself to stay awake yesterday hoping it would lead to a major sack out later that night. Wrong! Tried to go to bed around midnight and ended up staring at the ceiling for the next 2+ hours. Ended up with about 5 hours of ok sleep. Passed out on the couch late this afternoon. Thats gonna make sleep tonight difficult.
Felt pretty good today. Body feels good and head feels not to shabby either. Still kinda got the blahs. Brain feels kinda blank today. Im still not mentally myself. I can tell by the way im acting. Motivation and energy still arent that great. When i think about something i need or want to do it takes forever to get on it. I find im vegging out on the tv way to much. I have almost no appetite. I had to force myself to eat yesterday. Probably only eating 2 small meals a day and not snacking at all. Im just not hungry. Combine not enuff food energy and sleep and i can see why im feeling so blah. Everyday is getting better. Really need some solid sleep. Gonna jump on the exercise train tomorrow and that should help.
Got out for awhile today. Its freezing outside but nice and sunny. I found a nice place to park right in sun and soaked up some rays. Went on a top secret mission that was a follow up from yesterdays info gathering session. More on that later. Talked to my brother today and yesterday. Feel bad because he only works a few miles away and the whole time i was using he would say "drop by" or "lets get some lunch" and i would just blow him off. He also has a nice boat that he offered to take me out on many times during the summer and again i would blow him off or feign interest. Its pretty pathetic on my part. Hes my brother and we used to be really good buddies and look how i treated him. It shows how much those pills had a hold on me. Makes me sad to think about the good times we could have had and how i threw them away for a handful of pills. He had some big info for me but more on that later.

The Demon

Those pills possessed me like a demon. Not at first but slowly and deliberately. An evil soul crushing monster that made me its pawn and killed the faith i was searching for. It twisted and changed me. Enhancing all my worst qualities and traits. The very things that i was trying to change came on with a vengeance. That demon made me grumpy, lazy, solitary, and unloving. I cared for nothing but myself for along time. I felt trapped while my alter ego took over and brought out my worst self. I forgot about the promises and plans i had made. I ignored and pushed everybody away friends, family and the person i loved the most. I was blind and deaf to the friendship, caring, and love they were giving me. I couldnt react and just didnt care anymore. I tried to quit many times. It used anxiety, sickness, and depression to bring me back to its evil arms and broke me down mentally. Every time i came back it dug in deeper and deeper.

Next stop self revelation.

Day 14

2 Weeks! (Sweet graph eh! Couldnt come up with a pic.)

Well today makes it 2 weeks in. Its amazing the difference i feel. A week ago today i was still not feeling physically all that well. Getting zero sleep and my head felt really funky. 2 weeks ago i thought the world was coming to an end. Today i feel pretty dern good. Body feels fine with no lingering affects. No more chills but the cold does get to me fairly easily. The weather isnt helping that much. We hit a record low in temps last night. My head isnt feeling to bad either. I think the quality of sleep is really helping that out. Sleep still isnt the greatest but it seems to be getting better everyday. Im not sleeping that long maybe 5 to 6 hours but at least in staying asleep the whole time and not tossing and turning. Dream state has returned to normal. Those frantic intense dreams made sleep very difficult.
Right now depression and anxiety are almost a non-factor. Not sure why but im not complaining. I have been desiring to get out more the past few days which is good. When before i just wanted to hide. Its to bad all my friends are the enabler types. I have no clean friends to speak of. They all drink, smoke weed, and have been known to do other things. Before i stopped using i went and visited one of my buddies and the first thing he did was toss me a beer and offer a bong hit. Its a good thing i stopped smoking weed along time ago. Alcohol is a different story. Before to compensate when i felt depression or anxiety when i was alone or heading out i would drink to try and counter act it. Sounds stupid now i mean alcohol is a depressant. I was just trying to change my mental state by getting tipsy. One other nice thing is the no show of the migraines. Before when i would go cold turkey after 5 days or so i would get brutal migraines. Maybe the alcohol has something to do with that to.
Motivation is so-so but i attribute most of that to lack of sleep. Did get out today and got a few things done. Checked out a few gyms in the area and went for a drive to check out a few stores and track down some info. Right now im feeling really tired which is nice but i dont want to hit the sack just yet. If i could conk out for 10 hours straight that would be sooo sweet.

Old School

St. Mary Magdalen

Went to my old catholic school for mass today. The homily the deacon gave really spoke to me. I havent been here in over 25 years. Talk about a flash back. I went to school here kindergarten thru 4th maybe 5th grade. I wandered around the school after mass and outside. The place hasnt changed at all. Everything looks exactly the same just smaller. I remember the boys had to wear uniforms with blue pants, a white collared shirt, and a green sweater. The girls had to wear green and blue plaid skirts and tops with a white collared shirt. I wonder if the kids still have to wear those? The morals and values that i learned here really shaped me as a person.

After mass i went to my mothers side of the family Christmas party. This year they decided to rent a hall for the event. My mothers family is huge! She has 2 brothers and 2 sisters all of which are married and have at least 3 to 4 kids each. And almost every kid is married and has 2 to 4 of there own kids and every year at least 1 of my cousins a pregnant. This year 2 of them were. It adds up to about 30 or 50 people and kids sometimes depending on who shows. Almost everybody was there this year with about 20 kids running around like crazy. I held my sisters kid while she ate. Shes a funny little thing. I bounced her on my knee and poked her chubby belly. Holding her and seeing some of the other dads with there young kids made me feel like i was missing out on something very special. As grandpa would say "If ya dont plant a seed it wont grow." They had a special treat this year when Santa showed up out of the blue and gave all the kids presents and scared some of them half to death and made them cry.
My uncle had turned a bunch of old super 8 movies from 1976 to video and was showing them. He had extensive video of me when i was 3 years old opening Christmas presents and running around. I had a massive head of black bushy hair back then and it was way out of control. For some reason i kept putting my finger on my tongue over and over again, weird. On a odd note in the video there was this guy i didnt recognize. It turned out to be my brothers true father. Its a good thing he wasnt there he may have freaked out some. Some origin stories were spilled by a drunken grandpa at Christmas a few years back, but thats another story.
Speaking of grandpa he was in true form as always. I love that old man. He had some words of wisdom for me. Regarding a tough period that he and grandma went thru some years back. He said "Love is never easy you always gotta work at it. Sometimes ya give, sometimes ya take, and sometimes ya really screw up. But if ya love each other you can always work it out. Me and your grandma have been married some 60 +years and we have had plenty of rough times. We love each other and have always worked it out with the Lords help." Both of them were wondering were a certain person was. Its almost the first things they asked when i saw them.
As always before i leave i say goodbye to the patriarchs of the family grandma and grandpa. I couldnt imagine a Christmas or Thanksgiving without them. Grandma could sense i was feeling kinda down she gave me a big hug and kissed my on the cheek for the first time that i can remember and told me she loved me. It felt good. It reminds me of something that i should do more often to those i love.

Day 13

It dropped a nice blanket of snow for the first time this year last night.

Not feelin to bad these days. Sometime last night i started to feel really sick again. It was odd it just came out of no where and then it was gone. It left behind a nasty tension headache on the right side of my neck. Slept ok but not nearly long as i would have liked. Feel pretty good physically, just alittle tapped out from lack of sleep. Started getting really tired mid afternoon and had to fight to stay awake. I dont want to fall asleep early in the day. Need to save it for nighttime. Head feels ok the fuzz is starting to flow away and motivation levels seem to be returning back to normal. Almost 2 weeks in and things are looking pretty good. Still little to no anxiety and still feeling alittle blu. Need to focus this week on getting some physical exercise in. Dude from the 24 Hour fitness club will not stop calling. He has been calling me 2 or 3 times a day for the last 3 days and its starting to get really annoying. On a bad note every now and then i have been having cravings for pills. A couple nights ago i had a intense dream about trying to get them. During the day saturday i started having a desire to take some. Its a good thing i dont have any. I just hope i dont throw out my back anytime soon.

Absolution

Actus Contritionis
DEUS meus, ex toto corde poenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum, eaque detestor, quia peccando, non solum poenas a Te iuste statutas promeritus sum, sed praesertim quia offendi Te, summum bonum, ac dignum qui super omnia diligaris. Ideo firmiter propono, adiuvante gratia Tua, de cetero me non peccaturum peccandique occasiones proximas fugiturum. Amen.

Day 12

Groggy

Sleep is still being elusive. Woke today feeling very tired and out of it. Quality of sleep is sub-par. When i go to bed at night its almost impossible to shut my mind down. Otherwise i feel pretty good. Physically i feel good. Body is just alittle stiff and sore. Energy and motivation levels are still low. Head is starting to feel better. The fuzz is starting to clear out. A good nights sleep would go along way to making me feel better.

Taking Stock

Attitude & Behavior

Both my attitude and behavior changed dramatically while i was using. At first it wasnt so bad but as time went on the changes really ramped up. I started becoming a different person. I stopped caring about everything and everybody. I didnt think about other peoples needs or wants. The last 4-6 months have by far been the worse change. But even before that i was changing, affecting the people around me, and myself.

Lost Track: The first thing that happened was i started losing track of the things i had planned. I had a master plan for when i left my job. I was excited for potential new opportunities, some free time to enjoy, and a future with a loved one. Everyday that went by i forgot more and more about that plan. When i was using i wouldnt even think about those things anymore. I kept putting it off until it became a distant lost memory.

Tuned Out: I was completley tuned out to the world and people around me. I was unaware of anything happening. Unaware of anybodys needs. Words would go in one ear and out the other. Days would lapse by and i wouldnt even know. I was in my own little world.

Isolation: My interest level in doing social activities dropped off. Now im not the most social person. But the drugs just made it worse and brought that anti-social side out. If it interfered with my getting high schedule i just wasnt interested. I would actually plan things around when i wanted to take pills. I didnt want to be around other people when i was taking the pills. I would make up excuses to not go and do things or i would ignore people completely. My best friends, my own family, and my girlfriend. I only wanted to do what i wanted to do and thats it. I started to become a grumpy old hermit and it only got worse as time went on.

Anger: At times i would get really angry. I would get this wave of uncontrollable anger and im a pretty chill person it usually takes alot to piss me off. It was usually brief but some things would just set me off. Yelling at my computer screen, shouting at my cat, going off in my truck if i was driving and getting pissed off when my phone would ring. I dont know what it is with the phone. I think it goes back to my old job. My phone pretty much didnt stop ringing day, night, or if i was on vacation. I couldnt get away from work. That level of hating my phone and pager (god i hated that pager) carried over.

Obsession: I became obsessed with playing a video game. The game itself can be consuming but combine that with reward pathway inducing drugs and you got problems. I would take them and play for hours on end. It got to the point were i wanted to be high while i played. The two became hand in hand. The pills reinforced my desire to play. Anytime i would stop using i would have no desire to play but 1 pill and bam im right back online. I wasted so much time on that damn game.

Anxiety: This was the worst. I am the type of person who is always in control of himself. To lose control of my emotional state freaked me out it has never happened before like this. Whats weird about the anxiety is the cause. Tylenol with codeine/caffeine is what started it all. I was going thru a period of brief withdrawal and started taking these, big mistake. At first no big deal but something happened. I would take them and get crazy intense anxiety that would last for days. My chest would be tight, my head would spin, i would feel flush and i would panic. Now im not sensitive to caffeine. I used to drink triple ice coffees and energy drinks all day long. I dont kow what happened those pills messed up my head. So i stopped taking them but the anxiety didnt go away. It would pop up out of nowhere, for no reason, and i couldnt get away from it. I was in bed one time and bam massive panic attack it didnt make sense. In one of my most severe attacks i wanted to jump out of a moving car. This drove me from social situations even more. I would make up any excuse to not go and hide what was really going on. I missed so many things. It got to the point were i would psyche myself out just thinking about it and would do anything to stay out of a situation. I didnt want to feel that anxiety. Its part of the reason i started using again to get away from it. It worked for awhile but then it started popping up while i was using and getting worse.

I did alot of bad things to people. Some that know and some that have no idea. I always thought i had it under control. I was so tuned out to the real world and what was going on around me. Its interesting that i can reflect and back and see exactly how i acted. Just a couple weeks ago and all this was hidin to me. At times i would have realizations and i would quit but i always came back and i would forget again. Each time i started using again it would get worse because i would use more and more. You can see why im done. This is no way to live.

Day 11

Feeling drained

Mentally not feeling to bad. Just kinda down. Emotions for the most part are in check. Helps i havent been drinking. In the past i have gotten extremely emotional at times. It was usually brought on by hearing a song or seeing something on TV that triggered it. Depression isnt to bad and still not much anxiety to deal with. Been trying to not watch things that give me negative imagery. Head still feeling fuzzy and clouded at times.

Sleep still isnt the greatest but it seems to be getting better everyday. Physically i feel good. Back of my neck still gets the odd warming sensation and get the chills every now and then. Energy levels are still really low along with motivation. Spent the majority of the day on the couch. Feel depleted. Just cant seem to get going. Finally got out and had a brief workout. Had to push myself to keep going. Appetite has been coming back. Hopefully that will help energy levels along with some heavy sleep. Im sure i havent been taking nuff calories. Been having intense cravings for beer. Gonna try and stick to my 30 days no alcohol.

Time

Tick Tock Tick Tock

My perception of time the last 2 years has been crazy. Its insane to me that almost 2years have past since i left my job. To me it only feels like half that if that. It amazes me how the opiates affected my perception of time. Days would just snap bye. Weeks would go by and they felt like a day to me. Months would feel like a week. Nothing was relevant in my spatial distortion. What have i done in all that time? Nothing significant to speak of. The days would just bleed into each other and i never felt i had to rush. When i started to withdraw time went into reverse. Every minute was like hours. It was brutal. I felt like i lived those years missed in a week as i realized all the time i wasted. Damn you relativity!

The time is gone, the song is over, thought id something more to say...

Taking Stock

Let myself go

Taking a good look in the mirror today. Physically i look alot better and desire to maintain myself. Appearance was pretty much a non issue when i was using. The last 4 months by far have been the worse. No desire to be physically active or go outside. I would go weeks without shaving, sometimes i wouldnt shower for days, and my hair grew outta control. Basically didnt give a rip about my appearance. After waking up when i was using i would glance at myself in the mirror and i would look like crap. Right eye all droopy, pale, dark rings under eyes, and a gaint hair afro. I remember a day when someone came by and i answered the door and the first thing they said was "You look like shit." Pardon the language using a direct quote. Little did they know the night before i went on a pill droppin binge.

Day 10

As per the usually i didnt fall asleep until about 5 am. Ended up with 5 maybe 6 hours of halfway decent sleep. Awoke feeling not to shabby. Had dreams about getting and taking pills. So far today i have been feeling pretty good. Just having a hard time getting motivated and i zone out easily. Head still feels abit off but overall feeling good. Been sneezing alot with a runny nose but i dont feel like i got the flu. Possibly a side effect of the withdrawal. Also noticed sense of smell returning. Super sniffer hasnt been up to snuff its good to have the nose back.

Day 9

Crossing fingers for sleep.

Managed to pass out right after last blog entry. Got about 6 hours of ok sleep. Woke up feeling not to shabby. All physical symptoms seem to be gone. Less the occasional chills and goosebumps. They seem to be more a product of the weather. Makes me wish it was summer time. 80 degrees and sunshine would be real nice right now.

Mentally things are so so. Motivation levels were low again today as usually. Brain has a nice fuzzy kinda feeling. Certain kinds of emotional states make my brain and back of my neck tingle and it gets hard to think. Its an odd feeling and hard to describe. It usually doesnt last long. Usually just 15 minutes or so. Hopefully me noggin is repairing itself. I would say depression levels are moderate to low. Just a general malaise. And still no real anxiety to speak of.

Went out for abit today. Just trying to break things up and get my mind thinking about something else and cleaned out the soul.

Groan...

Cant sleep. Wide awake. Lay down at Midnight and now its almost 6 in the morning. This is starting to wear me down.

Day 8

Insomnia

Sadly sleep is still very elusive. Not even Tylenol PM will knock me out. Last night became very tired and made an attempt to pass out early to no avail. Ended up awake for the next 3 hours before finally falling asleep. That sleep was not good. Estimate only 4 maybe 5 hours of restless sleep. Motivation levels were very low and ended up taking a short nap just after rising and that was also short. Brain seems to be kicking into overdrive making it hard to sleep. Racing thoughts while trying to pass out and intense dream states are making it difficult.

Good news is almost all physical symptoms are gone. Just slight chills and goose pimples every now and then. Back of my neck feels strange with a slight warming sensation. Almost a menthol kinda feel. So the body feels good for the most part. Did a lite work out today that really left me feeling drained.

The brain on the other hand is a different story. Its very fuzzy and sometimes i feel sick to my head. Its making concentration and focus difficult at times. The sick part comes and goes but the fuzz seems to always be there. Motivation levels are still very low. Starting to feel kinda blu at times to and thats the depression kicking in. Still no anxiety to speak of.

Have to force my self to get up and do things. Eating has also been an issue. Im just not hungry at all. I almost have to force myself to eat. Todays food consisted of a banana, 1 slice of pizza, and a small salad. Thats it. Compared to yesterdays total food intake of a banana, a granola bar, and an egg. I gotta start eating more. Lack of food and sleep are a double whammy on my motivation. Energy levels are really low.

Starting to get groggy. A solid nights sleep would be a god send.

Now i head off to me bed,
I hope the Lord conks me on the head;
If i cant get some sleep,
Im going to scream *Bleep!*

Cold Turkey

Day 7

Nice view of Mount Si.

Finally! Sleep. Didnt think it was gonna happen at first. Started getting pissed was so tired but i couldnt conk out. Then it was lights out and 10 hours later. Sleep made a huge difference. Feel much better today. Just moderate physical symptoms. Head feels kinda off and got slight shivers. Motivation is not up to par. Just wanna stay in bed all day. Only motivation to head out is a 12:00 therapist appointment. First shave in 7 days and a shower get me out the door not feelin to bad. Hard to believe just 6 days ago i thought the world was coming to an end. Now things are lookin up. First 4 to 5 days are always the worst. Things should be down hill from here.

Therapy goes well. Killer view of Mount Si from her house in its shadow. She is a nice lady and easy to talk to. Spill my guts about the drug use to her and how it changed me and the things i have lost. Its nice to talk to someone who understands its affects on people. She is surprised im doing so well after just 7 days. And so am i. Physical symptoms are almost gone. Just feel kinda crunchy and head feels kinda off. No depression or anxiety yet which really surprises me. I think the key has been laying off the alcohol. She recommends a support group and seeing a doc about anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds.

Talked to my mom today and told her whats been going on. Had to hold back the tears. Feel bad like i let her down. She is very supportive and makes it easy. Talk with her mirrors the therapy visit. She understands. Recently a friend of hers son went thru the same thing. Back problems that lead to a addiction. Apparently he was violently sick when he withdrew. Barfing his guts out and whatnot. Feel thankful im not that bad off.

Motivation is still really low. Got things to do but cant get going if its not easy. Started eating more. Things are lookin up.

Day 6

De Profundis

At about 8 AM managed to fall asleep for 2 hours and thats it. Groan... If only i could get some sleep. Most physical symptoms are gone now. Get the shivers every now and then. Mostly feel cold all the time. Motivation is at rock bottom. Takes about 4 hours to move from the couch and try and get ready to head out for awhile. Starving but i can barely eat anything. The liquid doodoos are almost gone and thank god for that. Shuffle around the apartment for awhile and manage to toss myself out the door. Getting out is a good thing.
Hit the sauna again this time was able to get a much better sweat in. Accidentally set off the emergency pump alarm. Grab the wrong thing when guy asks me to hit the whirlpool button. It makes for a good laugh. Weight myself today lost 6 pound over the last 6 days. Surprisingly little anxiety on the trip out. Just feel kinda down.

Head to St. James Cathedral its an inspiring place. About half way thru start to feel lousy. The sauna took alot out of me energy wise. Probably from lack of food and sleep.

Head home and got the chills. Manage to eat some real food and i instantly feel better. Start getting really tired. Could it be! I might actually sleep tonight. Sweet, sweet slumber.

Sleep!!!

Homer need sleep now.

Cant sleep. Cant sleep. Hot cold thing is killing me and cant get comfortable. One blanket and im to cold. Another blanket and im to hot. So i cant win and cant sleep. Ive gone from the couch to the bed 4 times now. Not 1 wink of sleep. Almost been up 24 hours now. Add in lack of sleep from past 3 day and i have gotten maybe 8 hours of restless sleep in 96 hours. Why is during the day im freezing cold and during the night im burning up. Get kinda pissed i cant fall asleep and yell at myself. Mind is racing with thoughts and it doesnt help. Only having brief moments of physical misery. Overall feel ok. Just need SLEEP!!!

Day 5

Nothing like a good sweat. Kills the chills.

No sleep again last night. If only i could get some sleep. Most of the physical symptoms are gone. Just feel like i got a low grade flu. Some chills and sickness off and on. Actually hungry today for the first time in four days. First real solid meal today. Had to force it down my throat. In 5 days i havent eaten anything. Maybe 5 bannana, couple cans of soup, and lots of juice. Headin out for a second stint outside. Motivation is still really lousy. Had to force myself to get up off the couch and head outside. It was not an easy task. Did something today i havent done in 25 years and it felt good. But dont wanna get preachy here.

Got a free pass to a fitness club. Only reason is to use the dry sauna for the duration of the pass. Dry sauna is awesome once i got the energy to do it. Really helps to detox the body. Wish i had one in my apartment. They are great for detoxing off drugs. Fitness club guy is really annoying. He actually stopped talking and stared off into space during his lame sales pitch. On a side note whats up with these places chain calling you when you ask for a pass. He called me 3 times today. Sauna was good. Couldnt stay long, didnt feel all that great.
Oddly nuff no real depression or anxiety in todays outing. And thats a good thing.

Got some chills towards the end of the day and feel kinda crusty.

Really missing that special someone. Drugs ruin lives.

Day 4: Part 2

No No Suboxone

Took forever to get moving for the brief stint outside. Motivation levels are at rock bottom and are gonna stay that way for awhile. Clinic didnt help much. Didnt qualify for any free help. My problem wasnt deemed severe enuff. And not much money in the state budget = no free help. Just some info for AA style meetings that i can seek out. Guy i talk to is pretty cool and helpful. He agrees that im almost thru the physical part of it. He recommends i talk to a doc about Suboxone. Told him im not going that route. Been reading to many bad things about it. You are just trading 1 addiction for another. Suboxone as i understand is a opioid. Sub doesnt get ya high but it makes the withdrawal symptoms go away. Seeing as the worst WD's are almost over i think i can do without. Just worries about phase 2. The mental part. Erratic emotional state with anxiety and depression. Anyways with sub ya get the good without any of the groovy. But its still a opioid and you would have to ween off it. So no thanks and cost is a issue. Good thing is no anxiety when i went out today.

Now the Bad news. The relapse back to day 2 state of feeling towards the end of the day. Most of the lame symptoms return. Go thru a period were i just feel like total garbage. Morale drops and feel like this will never end. Remind myself if i can get thru the next day should be much better. Pray for sleep.

Day 4: Part 1

Manic dream state always wakes me up. Having 3 or 4 dreams all at once. Its like showing multiple movies on the same screen at the same time. Cant make sense of anything. Maybe 20 or 30 minute shifts of sleep and thats it. Sleeping has become a major issue. Still got the sweats. Atleast they are coming and going now. Feel like i got a low grade flu. But things are looking up. Symptoms are starting to taper off. They have become off and on. Meaning at times dont feel to bad. Gaining some clarity. Cant stop thinking about all the stupid things i did, time i wasted and people i hurt.

Heading outside for the first time in 4 days. Aw, fresh air and moderate sunshine. The activity should do me some good. Its gonna be a tough go. Going to a clinic to check out some maybe free detox help. We will see how it goes. Dreading the sickness relapse. In the past whenever i have detoxed around day 4 i feel ok. Then i will get a 12-16 hour relapse were i will be just as sick as day 2. Which is always the worst day. Lets hope not.

Day 3

Not much change more of the same. Sweats, chills, runny nose, and leaky eyes. Time feels like it has stopped. Alot of ups and downs as to how im feelin. Looked in the mirror my pupils are mega dilated its kinda freaky lookin. Not to mention i look like garbage. Getting almost zero sleep. I would kill for 8 hours of solid sleep. Pretty much in a constant state of perspiration still and the freaky goose flesh. Double and triple showers help. Sleep would be really cool tonight but doubtful. Things should start to look better soon.

Day 2: More Info

Oh boy my favorite part just started! Who turned the hose on. Vicious, burning, spraying, liquid doodoo's. Nothing like running to the head every 30 or 40 minutes. The hard part is just getting up to make the mad dash. The dash is more of a shuffle. Dont want to move at all. Body aches all over .Waiting till the last second to go every time. Just getting up right now is a nightmare. Did I mention DRUGS ARE BAD!!!

Day 2

Under the weather.

Its full on Kevins mom now. Didnt sleep at all last night. Flip/flop all night. Body feels like its burning up with brief stints of being freezing cold. No desire to eat. Got goose pimples all over my body and they just keep coming and going. Thoughts are racing. And the night sweats. Oh god the night sweats. Those are the worst. Cant get comfortable at all. All the while sweating like fat man in a turkish bath.

Day 1

The nest were i will be spending the next 3 or 4 days.

And here we go. Got up this morning and feel awful. Could barely sleep all night. Lots of tossing and turning. Night sweats are starting to kick in and its just gonna get worse. Pretty much glued to the couch in the fetal position. Cant sleep, cant eat, and cant think. Body is running hot and cold. Eyes are starting to water and nose is running. And the time is starting to dragggggg on. You would wonder why somebody would do this to themselves if they know the outcome in the end?

Friend sends text "Your gonna make it" it helps.

Prepare for Cold Turkey

The anti withdrawal line up. Lots of aminos for the brain pan. My own version of the Thomas Recipe.

Soon the nasty WD's will kick in. I figure i got about 12-16 hours before i will think the world is coming to an end. Running a ton of erands today to get ready for the misery ahead. Gotta have all the essentials. There will be no way i will be able to even move for the next 3 or 4 days. Keeping food simple. Lots of oj, bannanas, soup, and pedialite. Have to go cold turkey cant trust myself with pills around so tapering isnt an option. Also no alcohol for 30 days. Come to the conclusion that suffering will be a good thing. If its to easy to get off i will never learn my lesson. Question to self. Why do they call it Cold Turkey?

Friend sends positive text. Gonna need all the help i can get.

Break Down

The one thing i desired most. Hydrocodone bitartrate or 4,5(alpha)-epoxy-3-methoxy-17-methylmorphinan-6-one tartrate (1:1) hydrate (2:5).

Massive mental break down as i admit my problem to a loved one. Regret everything ive done. Realize i threw away my future and lost someone very special. Tears, uncontrollable sobbing, snot running down my nose. Feel like a fool. How did it come to this?

Face It You Got a Problem

Realize I have issues. Pills don't = happy. 60-70mg a day of hydrocodone have taken over my life. Some might say, "That's it? You are a light weight." Ya, ya i know but we all have our demons and drugs affect everybody differently.

Issue #1: Eat up your happy pills. Sure you are happy for awhile. But you don't give a rip about life or anybody else. Forget my girlfriend even exists and dont call her. Sit in the apartment alone and veg out. Next thing you know half the days over. Nevermind the day the months already half over. Were is all the time goin? Who cares its almost time to take more happy and forget about whatever you were thinking about. I'm sure it wasn't important. Don't need anybody or anyone. Become comfortably numb.

Issue #2: No happy pills means prepare for hell. Cant see anybody, cant go outside, stuck in your little apartment while you suffer. Then the anxiety. Don't wanna go out, take a drive and freak out. Your not gonna make it back alive. Everybody's looking at you. Go out with friends and you can't breath/palms sweat. Make up excuses to not be with the girlfriend. Just wanna run and be left alone only way to be safe. Time slows down to a stop. Want everybody to stay away, leave you alone, people just make it worse. Even those you love. Become a sad shadow.

Ya see what happens? The situation becomes lose-lose. Damned if you do. Damned if you dont. You forget about everyting thats really important and take loved ones for granted. They take over your life and you become a changed person. Attitude and personality all change. It destroys your relationship with your loved ones. Its not worth it and its time to get better. Win back your life.